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Thursday, March 01, 2012

Another side of me. Not your average blog.

I feel like this particular blog may overwhelm some people if they don’t know me well, so welcome to a different side of me… (or please check out my other blogs if this is your first visit to my site –this is not the norm of what I write about) 

Sometimes I struggle with keeping myself together. I had wondered why I am feeling all of these strange things but I think a lot of it has to do with anxiety and overall stress.
Sadness. Anxiety. and how it seeps into our lives…

It’s strange how things can be going so well that you cannot even complain. For some reason you are almost WAITING for something shitty to happen and ruin your joy. You hear negative things all day (World events or just negative people) and then suddenly… this sadness comes around you in full circles. And you’re sitting there left with….why? 

I am working on not compartmentalizing my life as much as I have been. (Finances. Career. Fitness. Whatever.. or lack thereof) When I do this, I have noticed I tend to pick the fault with each and every category. I set the bar way too high for my level in life.  People tell me to take it easy. Honestly, it is just no way to live. It hurts and you have to pull yourself up by finding peace in the little, beautiful things in life. Sometimes only ONE thing can send me into a spiral of sensitivity to let a tear out. It scares me how sensitive I can be.

Something else I sometimes experience is intense anxiety over strange things. In my head I know it is not logical, but I really psych myself out about it. For example, I get freaked out about a doctor taking my blood, and  I would agonize over it all the way up to the appointment and have nervous panics. 

Or if I'm afraid of someones reaction to something (because they are hard to approach), I wait to tell them and I over-think all the possible ways I can deliver the news. I stew and fret and go in circles with myself. Stupid, I know right? But anyway, this year, I told myself I am going to focus and work on these issues I have been having. I have some research on this stuff during my free time.

For one thing, I am really hard on myself. 
I'm trying to give that side of myself up.

Anxiety is much more than just occasional nervousness. It is mentally exhausting. I over-think things like crazy. 

I have always been this way. I am a perfectionist in my work. Apparently this can also be related to hormonal imbalances as well..

Now I have a few things I can turn to. I am not going to meds, so far. So now, If I start to feel anxious, I will try to physically get away. If I can take a walk, I'll do that. If I cannot get away I end out sitting quietly somewhere by myself, I close my eyes, notice my breathing and take charge. I just wait until my breathing adjusts itself.

I also found these few tips as well –

Have an anxiety worry period. Choose one or two 10 minute “worry periods” each day, time you can devote to anxiety. During your worry period, focus only on negative, anxious thoughts without trying to correct them. The rest of the day, however, is to be designated free of anxiety. When anxious thoughts come into your head during the day, write them down and “postpone” them to your worry period.

Accepting uncertainty. Unfortunately, worrying about all the things that could go wrong doesn’t make life any more predictable—it only keeps you from enjoying the good things happening in the present. Learn to accept uncertainty and not require immediate solutions to life’s problems.

 Take care of yourself. Practice relaxation techniques. When practiced regularly, relaxation techniques such as mindfulness meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, and deep breathing can reduce anxiety symptoms and increase feelings of relaxation and emotional well-being.

Eat Well. Start the day right with breakfast, and continue with frequent small meals throughout the day. Going too long without eating leads to low blood sugar, which can make you feel more anxious.

Reduce alcohol and nicotine. They lead to more anxiety, not less.

 Exercise regularly. Exercise is a natural stress buster and anxiety reliever. To achieve the maximum benefit, aim for at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise on most days.

 Get enough sleep. A lack of sleep can exacerbate anxious thoughts and feelings.

Another area that I need to work on myself is my career.
What do I want in a job?

And this might sound rather impossible..but I know it has got to be out there somewhere. Each job we have has frustrations, and I get that.. but one thing I cannot stand is someone limiting me. DO NOT CONTROL ME. Any time I find too much control over me, I tend to bust out of it like nobody’s business.

I just want less people that try to control me.. 
People that do that just pull the life out of me.
 I want to see the task, do it my way and be done with it. 
I have thought to myself that I could be my own boss and make myself a design firm. 

Networking? Self-promotion? These words strike terror to me. I have never been the type who is great at SELLING MYSELF.

So here I go with my inspiration: Anything worth having is worth working for.

These are the areas of interest to me:
Arts, Design, Fashion, Make up, Hair, Health/Fitness 

I also took the Keirsey personality quiz online again because I need some direction. The better you know yourself, the better you can deal with life and what it throws at you. Right?

I am a complete Idealist. 

“Idealists (NFs), as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.
All Idealists share the following core characteristics:

 Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.

 Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.

 Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.

   Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers. “

These articles have been IMENSE help to me:  

If you made it to here in my blog, I applaud you. I came to a realization about death recently, too. Its that no matter what you'll never be done with the shock part. We don't ever completely deal with the death of a loved one.. and I think the loss of my sister, Brooke has changed me. Its the sad truth because I never thought that she would actually leave this earth so soon. It is a harsh reality. And I still think about her often.

I just combined so many thoughts in one blog....
I jumped from topic to topic. 
Whew! I think its time to go to bed and turn my brain to hibernate mode.

 I am a work in progress and always will be. That’s what this all comes down to.